When I first posted on Facebook that my wife and I were taking off on our “babymoon”, one of my friends commented, “At every guys request, please don’t perpetuate the ‘babymoon’”. I can only assume that he was lamenting being forced to take his baby-mama on a vacation prior to her giving birth, which I completely understand. Taking your wife on vacation certainly should be the exception rather than the rule. I mean, it costs at least twice as much as going by yourself, you have to compromise on where to eat, and they usually expect at least one “romantic” moment to happen which you have to orchestrate to look like it happened spontaneously because you’re “so in love”.
That said, when I planned my trip to Hawaii, leaving my wife at home barely crossed my mind. I mean, who was going to carry my luggage if not my wife? Plus, when you travel with a pregnant chick people are super nice to you. They smile at you creepily, offer you places to sit, and usher you to the front of the line (which is infinitely better than being Chris Brown’d to get you back in line). It really made the trip extra special and there is a reasonable chance I will bring my wife on all future babymoons. That said, let me tell you a little about it.
My wife and I have taken to staying outside of the typical tourist areas during our travels so I booked three unique looking places via AirBnb.com. Having never been to Hawaii, and no familiarity with any particular parts of it, we rolled the dice on our 12 night trip with 5 on Maui, 2 on Molokai, and 5 back on Maui in another spot.
PHASE 1 — Maui (Kula)
Kula is located in what’s referred to as “Upcountry” on Maui which is a fancy way of saying, “far as shit from the beach”. Believe it or not, proximity to the ocean wasn’t part of our criteria for this trip. I know, most people go to Hawaii to sit on the beach all day but that’s not our style. While I enjoy the ocean view and spending an hour or two on the sand, after that I’m ready to go do something. Lisa is even worse than me. After 10 minutes of sitting still she’s all, “How much loooooooonger?” So rather than orchestrating a shark attack on her person, I simply keep her entertained inland. The place we stayed was a little cottage with an incredible view where we resided for 5 day including Christmas.
That’s me on a deck. That’s a tangerine on me. That’s our cottage on the hill.
That’s the view of the ocean from our cottage.
This is us trying to time a selfie.
This is me wondering how my wife got so huge.
This is us finally getting our shit together for the picture.
Because I don’t want to turn this into a travel guide book, I’m just going to throw out a couple of highlights from each phase of our trip. The most convenient thing about Kula is that it’s really close to the entrance of Haleakala National Park. This is a popular spot to drive to the top of the 10,000 foot volcano peak and watch the sunrise. They tell you to get up early so you don’t miss it, and to dress warm because it’s cold. What they mean by that is “get up in the middle of the night” and “doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re going to freeze to death.” But hey, you’re going to have an epic picture of a sunrise which will get you so many Instagram likes that your life will suddenly have meaning.
Tropical island my balls.
Clouds. Craters. Sunrise. That’s a wrap. Back in the car.
The other thing about Kula, that we discovered accidentally, is that it turned out to be the start of the most epically beautiful drive we have ever taken. And for those who are familiar with Maui no, it was not the Hana Hwy aka “Road To Hana”. Well, not exactly. Most people make that drive from Paia down to Hana town which is about 45 miles of mildly scenic road. Along this route are a bunch of suggested stops where you and 659498375 other people try to jam your cars into zero parking spots so you can hike in a take pictures of x/y/z. We drove it. It was unimpressive. However, if you drive to Hana from Kula, your going to have eyegasms at the sheer beauty of everything you see the entire way. Plus, you can pull off anywhere you want, don’t have to hike, and will see about 5 cars on the road over the hours long drive. It’s so epic that we did it twice.
If I were roadkill I’d want to be dead on this road.
Hello Hawaiians, I am your new king. Congrats!
Lisa is in such good shape because I “allow” her to run alongside the car.
You’re welcome, dear!
2 mile hike uphill (ish) to get to this waterfall.
My wife, 7 months pregnant, basically ran it.
She > you.
You’re now approximately 1/3 of the way through this blog. Click the “MORE” link below to see the rest. Don’t worry, it’s mostly pictures so you don’t have to strain your weak brain by actually reading.
PHASE 2 — Molokai (Kaunakakai)
For the second leg of our trip we took a ferry to the island of Molokai which is thought to be in the shape of a shoe or a fish, or a fish wearing shoes. The island is known for being the home of feral pigs, a species of wingless fly, a Monsanto seed factory, a leper colony, and the birthplace of hula, none of which I made up and all of which will kill you. With around 8,000 residents, many of whom are natives, no chain stores or restaurants, and 2 main roads, Molokai feels like authentic island life. It wasn’t necessarily the best part of the trip but it was the most unique, and seeing how the locals lived really changes your perspective on things. Even more so than those on Maui, they really don’t seem to give a shit about the nonsense we think is important.
Sunrise leaving Maui on the ferry and heading to Molokai.
Hoping I don’t have to poop on the boat.
“Driveway” through the jungle to our “cottage”.
Our accommodations for 2 nights. It’s not as fancy as it looks.
This is the view from inside where you are pretty much still outside.
This is just one of the 40493958584 spee-eye-ders inside our hut.
The “driveway” continues down to…
Our private beach. This is what I think about when I meditate.
That’s our little beach from the kayak-cam with toe-finder.
We visited multiple beaches on the island that were completely deserted.
We also visited some sacred sites where I acted like a grown up.
As cool as that island was we both agreed that our favorite part was sneaking down a dark alley in the dead of night, approaching a small creepy looking window, and ordering an entire loaf of fresh bread smothered in butter, cream cheese, and strawberry jam. This may be the best thing I’ve ever eaten, and I’ve had Scrapple!
Hello murderous alley dwellers, don’t touch my loaf!
Seriously, I’ll kill you.
And the sunset boat ride home after a spider and bread filled weekend.
In spite of the live performance of “Arachnophobia”, going to Molokai was an awesome experience. It makes you realize that, while big city life may have a lot to offer, there are also areas in which it just can’t compete, like peacefulness.
PHASE 3 — Maui (Makawao)
The final 5 day leg of our trip was spent back in Maui in an area called Makawao.
Makawao lemme rock you lemme rock you Makawao. Lemme rock you that’s all I wanna do, Makawao lemme rock you lemme rock you Makawao, lemme rock you lemme feel for you, feel for you.
The place we rented was on a huge piece of property that had an organic farm, countless fruit trees, a running stream, and was adjacent to “ The Sacred Garden “. Although we loved the two previous locations, this was far and away our favorite. A quiet, peaceful setting in a quaint little cottage surrounded by greenery. If I were a religious person I’d say it was surrounded by a beauty only God could create. If I were a spiritual person I might say it was a Zen-like sanctuary where one could find inner peace. However, I’m an Atheist with no soul so I’ll just say it was awesome and I want to live there and hide from all religious and spiritual people forever and ever and ever.
Our cottage where all cheese is “cottage cheese”.
I told Lisa to stay away from all that …. so she wouldn’t become a…
We had some more fun adventures on this final part of the trip including…
A bit of sightseeing. See that, it’s a sight. That you see. We saw it.
My wife is super energetic today.
We fell into this spot I like to call “Maui’s vagina”.
We gave Maui’s vagina a gynecological exam. No wait, this is a lava tube cave.
Lisa has that pregnancy glow.
After we went lava tubing Lisa wanted to try the maze.
This is me waiting 10 minutes for Lisa to find her way out of the maze.
My gorgeous wife carrying my first child, ready for NYE. This is my life.
New Year’s Eve dinner at 4:30pm because I am old.
They got us a card because dinner there costs 1 million dollars and they can afford it.
I rarely post food pics but “The Black Pearl” was pretty epic.
Both when we ate it and when I re-cycled it the next day.
*Here is where I would post a picture of us partying on New Year’s Eve except for we were in bed at 9:30pm*
Jan 1, 2015 we spent inexplicably staring at our feet not noticing the ocean at all.
Lisa is super excited that the wave just “cleaned” her sand castle.
Our “this has been the best trip ever” last day photo.
Our “going home sucks” last day photo.
About to fly back to Lame Angeles.
This last photo requires no caption. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me and the reason for all that I do. With her, every day is an anniversary, a honeymoon, a babymoon, and a walk on the moon. The only thing that will make life better is when we have our 3rd musketeer to go along for the ride. And what a ride it’s been so far.
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Originally published at http://badassdad.com on January 21, 2015.