29 Weeks Pregnant — 2014 Year In Review
2014 can be summed up by one word-awesome. I was awesome when it started. I maintained a consistent level of awesomeness throughout. And I’m just as, if not more, awesome here at the end of the year. Oh, and some awesome things happened which I will list below for your awesomely envious pleasure.
I woke up in one of my favorite places in the world, Key West, and remembered that I’d gotten engaged. After a failed attempt at swimming to Cuba to live a comfortably single life brushing Castro’s beard, I resigned myself to marrying this stunner. So I guess 2014 actually started off pretty good.
Nothing happened to me directly this month unless you consider that my mom was born in February and without her there’s no me. The world has her to thank, or blame, for my existence. I suggest you send her a gift card or something nice from the SkyMall catalogue.
I reached my 2 year anniversary as head of casting and talent at a company where I am able to contribute to the enrichment of the American cultural landscape by putting people on reality TV. Plus I’m fortunate to be able to work with a group of people who are family oriented, creative, intelligent, and whose sense of humor rivals the pure evil of my own.
Oh, and I completed my 2nd Tough Mudder which was fun in the sense that submerging your testicles in ice water is fun. It also produced an extremely rare photo of my hair not looking perfect.
This month I celebrated 9 years of sobriety by not blacking out and drunk dialing everyone in my phone, instead replacing that activity with my third Spartan Race for the year.
June was the trifecta of happenings so incomprehensibly amazing that this month may trump all months lived by all other human beings in the history of months or human beings.
I impregnated my fiance.
My dad got married for the 3rd and theoretically final time.
I had lunch with Morris Day.
*Drops mic on life*
I won’t say which was the biggest news of June but that’s Morris Day of The Time!
At P.F. Changs!
After I quit drinking 9 years ago I ran out of things to write about. In July, because I am godlike and have created life, I launched this new blog so that you could worship me for being so powerful and also a brilliant writer. You’re welcome.
I turned 44 which I think we can all agree is a miracle. Not because I reached this age but because I look so goddamn good.
Married my pregnant fiancé in Las Vegas. Happiest day of my wife.
Also felt my baby kick for the first time.
On my 2nd birthday I was given a Snoopy signed by many of my relatives. To this day it remains one of my most cherished keepsakes and Snoopy remains one of my favorite cartoon characters. In November I bought my unborn son his first Snoopy and it almost made me cry. It didn’t, because I’m not a little bitch, but it almost did. Whatever. I’ll punch you in your mouth. Shut up.
In an effort to finish the year strong I completed my 6th Spartan Race which earned me a double trifecta for 2014. For those who don’t do Spartan Races that won’t mean anything to you but it will when the machines rise because you’ll be the first to die.
At the end of each year, many people are glad it’s over and look to the coming year in the hope that it will be better. I am not one of those people. 2014 may very well have been the best year of my life. I didn’t get rich. I didn’t get famous. I certainly didn’t get any younger or taller. But the entire year was a series of great experiences, personal accomplishments, and time spent with people that I love. If 2015 turns out to be half as good as 2014, my life will continue to be happy and fulfilling. But, with my first born child due in February, it’s not looking to be half as good.
It’s looking to be twice as good.