We actually got married over 4 weeks ago but I took a week off from posting because my wife was all, “You have to pay attention to me instead of your blog” so I did. We’re still married so obviously my great sacrifice should be an example to all future grooms that you should compromise and pay attention to your bride for about 5 days after you get married. Anything beyond that will set a bad precedent and ultimately lead to you being a little bitch ass husband that your wife will leave for her Pilates instructor.
The week following the one I generously gifted to my bride was used to post the gender reveal because the world waited with baited breath to find out whether my spawn had a penis or a vagina. That should explain why I won’t allow the world to ever be alone with my child. Baited breath. Pervs.
Finally, I had to announce that we named the kid otherwise you’d have to continue calling it “The Chosen One” which you actually can continue if you like. Any child fortunate enough to spring from my loins is clearly just that.
The point is, we got married. We decided to have it in Las Vegas because it’s a fun destination that was easy travel for guests from both coasts and offered plenty for them to do. Just kidding, we did it there because it’s cheap. Regardless of the inexpensive nature of our nuptials, it was one of the most fun weekends of our lives. Our closest friends and family celebrated with us and proved what we theorized at the beginning of our planning process-it’s not the venue, or the food, or the dress, or any of that overblown nonsense that makes the day special, it’s the people.
These are those people.
We kept our invite list to immediate family and a select few guests so that we could actually enjoy our time with everyone. I’m not trying to spend 1/2 hour talking to my mom’s step-second cousin twice removed who I met once when I was 6. If we have a familial connection and you want to be a part of my life then follow me on Instagram like everybody else. Unfortunately I will not follow you back because like ghosts, and aliens, and god, as far as I’m concerned you don’t exist. Oh, but feel free to jump on our HoneyFund registry and get us a gift. HUGS FAM!
These are the most important guests because without them and their sexual urges neither Lisa or I would exist.
From left to right are Alan and Susie (Lisa’s parents), Gloria, Frank, and Brenda (my mom, dad, and step-mom).
This is our good friend Jeff who performed the greatest ceremony in the history of wedding ceremonies. He literally incorporated every person we have ever met into his presentation which was really touching, although I think the UPS guy delivering a package to the venue was a bit much.
Lisa surrounded by her girls (L to R) Natalie, Vanessa, Nicole, and Sara.
Nicole had to rebel and wear her own shade of green while Vanessa overcompensated and matched her hair to everyone else’s dress.
These are my best friends in the world both because I love them and because they know all of my secrets so I have to keep them close in case it’s necessary to kill them. (L to R) Mike, Leyna, Kevin, Sharon, and Scott
If there was one truly special guest, Kara is that. Her late husband was my life long best friend and she moved mountains to attend our wedding, just like Larry would have done.
The guest of honor….and Lisa!
I’m not usually an emotional guy but the entire weekend truly overwhelmed my heart in a way I never thought possible. Living on opposite coasts, I rarely spend time with my family so having my parents, sister, niece, and nephew all together, combined with my closest friends, was the best thing ever. The love that Lisa’s parents and friends have for her, and for us, made it infinitely more special.
The most amazing aspect of this experience was being so fortunate as to marry the girl of my dreams and, on top of that, to have her carrying my child.
Forever on my arm, forever in my heart, forever paying child support, should we ever part.