22 Weeks Pregnant — Hi, My Name Is…

4 min readOct 28, 2014

And so God (me) created man (my son) in his (my) image and thus (not sure what “thus” means) also needed to bestow upon him a name (nom du plume) commensurate with the greatness he shall inherit (perfect hair) that is my exceptional genetic makeup (minus that unnecessary height gene).

As was my father, and his father before him, but not his father’s father before that, I submit to you the name of my first born, my progeny, heir to the throne…

FRANKLIN NATHANIEL PRATHER THE FOURTH!

That’s right muthabeetches, the Fourth! Did you for one second think my ego would allow for my son to be named for anyone or anything other than me? Besides, after giving him life, I had to think of a way to top that most glorious gift. I racked (wracked? cuz inside out is wiggety wiggety wiggety wack?) my brain for endless seconds before what I already knew occurred to me. What could possibly be more amazing, more incredibly generous, more unfathomably valuable than granting someone the opportunity to exist? Of course! It’s the opportunity to be ME!

Unbeknownst to some, I am Franklin Nathaniel Prather the 3rd, named after the guy below who’s not wearing the douchebag knock-off Affliction-style shirt.

I know that most people don’t continue the lineage of names when labeling their baby but, let’s be honest, I’m better than most people at being a person. And, when FNP4 is older he can change it if he wans — -to be disowned, cut out of my will, and possibly disappear (although it will look like an accident). In the meantime, Lisa and I have dubbed him “Four” which is what he will be called from this day fourward (get it? FOURward? Oh, is he in for a parenting treat or what!)

When you hand down your name it’s necessary to nickname the subsequent you in order to avoid confusion. For example, my dad was called “Frankie J” by many, because he was a junior and that differentiated him from his father. I was, and continue to be, “Frankie” to pretty much everyone in my life that I met before age 25 and “Frank” to all others. There was some discussion about what to call our boy prior to agreeing on “Four”, which ultimately won out over Franklin The Magnificent, Lil’ BAF, Count Frankula, and my personal favorite, Prince.

Coming up with a baby name is a major decision that will stay with your child for their entire life, particularly if they’re named after you. Depending how things unfold, that name can turn out to be a blessing or a curse. I was proud to be named after my dad, and I’m proud to name my son after me. My sole purpose in life from here forward is to make Four proud to be named after me.

In closing, I just want to express a few final thoughts straight from my heart (I have one):

To my wife, you’re welcome for me impregnating you with another me.