At 16 weeks my baby now has working eyes so hopefully it can see that the thing he/she’s been sucking on is an umbilical cord and that’s gross so stop.
This also appears to be the week during the pregnancy where my fiancé finally doesn’t try to stab me for, you know, being alive, so that’s been pretty sweet. Actually, I have to give her credit because she’s been well balanced-ish throughout this ̶o̶r̶d̶e̶a̶l̶ magical time, in spite of the hormonal roller coaster. Being in a relationship with me is more than enough emotional distress. Adding a pregnancy on top of it is more than anyone should be expected to handle. However, she’s done an excellent job and that will be reflected in her file.
Given that my baby/semi-fetal thing can now see and hear, I find it most important to be a role model that sets a good example for him/her. A major aspect of that involves living the fitness lifestyle that I hope my offspring will embrace. What I’m saying is, being in utero is no excuse for being lazy. I don’t let your mother sit arou — Your mommy chooses to be active so the least you can do is to knock out a few burpees in there every day.
Selfie from the top of the 30 foot rope climb. Try that hanging from your umbilical cord!
I have always made my own fitness a priority and will strive to instill that same quality in my kid. I’m highly motivated to show him/her how important it is to your health and well-being to maintain an active lifestyle and be a goddamn beast-like monster of athletic intensity. In order to do that, I realize I have to demonstrate not only the benefits, but also how much fun it can be. Why just this past weekend I participated in a Spartan Race where I “ran” 12 miles up hills in the searing heat in my baby’s honor. You’re welcome unborn child. You are very welcome.
Now, as I sit here writing this, needing dual hip replacements, spinal fusion, knee braces, and re-hydration from nearly dying of heat stroke, I can’t wait to share this same feeling of fun with my child. Yes, I’ll do my part to inspire you with my positive behavior so that you can grow up to ache all the time as I do. But if you want to know the truth, it’s totally worth it. I’d rather be healthy and athletic with countless aches and pains than to be sedentary and unhealthy with knees that don’t hurt. I’ve abused my body in various ways over the course of my life but at 44 years old I look and feel pretty great in spite of the chronic pain. I know that sounds odd, but I actually embrace the pain. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not a masochist. I don’t enjoy the pain. It’s just a constant reminder to me that I’m busting my ass, same as I did when I was 20, 30, 40, and that I’ll never stop. Truth is, now I don’t just want to stay in shape, I have to, no matter how much it hurts. You think a 5 year old is going to give a shit that I’m 50?
5 year old: Daddy, let’s go play on the monkey bars for like 1,000 hours straight.
Me: Sorry, I can’t. That’s too much for daddy.
5 year old: Fuck you old man!
*punches me in the face and knocks me out like I obviously deserve*
So, when I was out running the Spartan Beast in Temecula this past weekend, in 100+ degree weather, with the discs in my lower back radiating pain, my knees feeling like they wanted to explode, and my brain screaming “Stop, it’s too hot out here”, I kept going. I kept going because I like to challenge myself. I kept going because I want to stay young. But most of all I kept going because I have a baby on the way and I want him/her to know that, in spite of being a middle-aged first-time dad, I kept my shit together for them.
When you’re 5 I’ll be 50, but my ass will be at that playground running around until you need a nap, not me.
When you’re 15 I’ll be 60, but when you need to run drills for soccer, practice wrestling moves, or want to learn to lift weights, I’ll be your training partner.
When you’re 25 I’ll be 70, but when you graduate college, launch your career, get married, or whatever, I’ll be standing there to pat you on the back, not laying on mine.
And if you ever want to go on a hike, or climb a mountain, or run a Spartan Race together, just let me know. Because no matter how old I am, how hard it seems, or how much pain I’m in, I’m training now for the day that you ask, so that my answer can be yes. Will be yes. Has to be yes. I’ll never give up, for the both of us.
Bad Ass Dad > Half Ass Dad